fraudulent

Have you ever felt like a fraud?  I have, and do.

Have you ever heard the statement; "weight loss is not a physical challenge, it's a mental one"?  This statement could not be truer for my journey.  

I wasn't always fat.

I know what I should and shouldn't eat and I am capable of exercise. 

Making myself do it has been a completely different story though.  As I explained in my previous post, I have had a gym membership at the same place since it OPENED, and I never went consistently.  I would go a couple times one week, feel good for a couple days, lose motivation and then not go again for another month.  Not only would I either not go to the gym or simply just go to tan, I lied about it.  I could flat. out. lie to people saying things like, "oh, I just got done working out" (um NO, you didn't Emily), or "I am headed to the gym right now" (I was really driving to Target with a quick pass through McDonald's on the way)  Think there might be a problem, I knew so, but didn't change it.

My first post explained my breaking point.  I was completely at rock bottom, unhappy and overweight.  I joined Weight Watchers and followed that strictly, along with working out quite often.  I dove into the new life with all that I had.  The weight came off surprisingly fast in the beginning (when I needed it to, to keep me motivated).  Before I knew it, it was a couple months in and I had lost almost 30lbs.  On the outside, I was feeling good, but on the inside, I felt like a fraud.

Those that know me well, know I am type A through and through, and when I set my mind to something, I push for it.  My family was (and sometimes still is) shocked that I have been able to stick to my goals, that I have not fallen off the wagon since November, because weight loss has NEVER been something I could stick to.  But, that all was before rock bottom.

Following Weight Watchers Points Plus was fairly easy for me, because I had a plan and when I have a plan, I follow it.  I enjoy cooking and being in the kitchen so it was fun to try new, healthy recipes.  But, in typical type A fashion, I took everything to the extreme.  I refused lunch out with friends because I couldn't possibly count the points if I didn't prepare it myself, I turned down date nights with my boyfriend because I was terrified to make a bad decision and I struggled with justifying the amount of points for a simple glass of wine.

I went from not caring about anything that went in my mouth, to stressing about the simplest/healthiest food choices.  Food had taken on a whole new extreme for me, one that also wasn't healthy.

Although I was seeing very good results on the scale, my battle with food wasn't (and isn't) over.  I often ask(ed) myself, 

"where is the medium ground?"

"what does life on the other side of this addiction look like?"

"can I keep up this intensity forever"

"what happens when I decide to eat an ice cream cone, will I fall off the wagon?"

As you can imagine, after losing 30+lbs, people start noticing the change.  It feels good.  I felt confident sharing my "before" pictures on my Facebook and they were always accompanied by a positive and uplifting post about how well I was feeling and how far I had come already.  Posting about it kept me accountable, it made me feel proud and happy.  Why is it that I couldn't/can't make my brain as happy as my new healthy body is?  Or at least as happy as I "pretended" to be?  I. am. a. fraud.

I have led all of you to believe that because I sit here, 5 months into my journey and almost 40lbs down now, that I am changed.  Even typing the word, changed, makes me laugh on the inside.  Yes, I am healthier, I am happier, and I can wear smaller clothes now...my brain hasn't caught up to my body and is still living 40lbs ago.  

This journey is most definitely a mental one for me.  I can eat as many veggies as I want and work out everyday, that's not my problem.  My problem is mentally dealing with WHY I got here in the first place and I feel as though I have misled you all into thinking that I have it all figured out.  This journey is d.a.i.l.y. and probably will be forever.  But, everyday that I make the decision to better myself, for myself; I win, not my addiction.

my breaking point

Have you ever told yourself that you would accomplish something by a certain date...then that date comes and goes....and the accomplishment didn't happen?  

That has been me WAY TOO MANY times.  My expectations were never unrealistic or unattainable, I just lacked the motivation to make the change.  Flash back to January 2014 and my New Years Resolution of being a "healthier and happier Emily" by the time that I turned 30 in September.  The funny thing about change is that you HAVE TO DO IT, and I didn't, I wasn't healthier or happier when my birthday came and went in September.  In fact, I had gained more weight.  I put on a happy face, smiled for pictures and celebrated with friends; but I was empty on the inside.

My relationship with food is very much a love / hate one.  I love food and I hate to say no.  It took my a long time to admit to myself that I am addicted to food.  Not only am I addicted to food, but I have self diagnosed myself with a "binge eating disorder." *I have not been diagnosed by a doctor, but, based on the research and reading I have done, it definitely fits into my struggle.*  

Here is a glimpse into what would happen when I was alone

potato chips, candy, peanut butter & jelly, ice cream

more ice cream

more candy

more potato chips

more peanut butter & jelly

all consumed within 5-10 minutes. by me, and only me.

 I would think..."where can I hide the containers and wrappers in case someone comes over"

I stop for fast food, park in the parking lot and eat alone so I can throw away the bag so no one will know.

I would feel content, uncomfortable, happy, fat, embarrassed, ugly...all at the same time.

This struggle is REAL, and this was me all. the time.  I ate my feelings, if I was happy, I would eat to celebrate, if I was sad, I would eat to mask the pain.

I would wake up in the morning thinking about breakfast, while I was eating breakfast I would be thinking about lunch, while eating lunch, I would be planning dinner. 

Food was (and is) on my mind constantly.  

**pause to catch my breath that I just admitted this**

Food wasn't my only struggle, I lacked motivation to make a change. I lacked the desire to actually go to the gym that I paid for every month.  Don't get me wrong, I occasionally went to the gym...to tan, but I would tell myself that I just didn't have time to stay and workout, or I would "forget" my workout shoes.  The only person I was fooling was myself.

My weight was out of control.  The clothes in the back of my closet and the photos in my apartment seemed like a distant memory of what I once was.  My reality was plus size clothes shopping and facebook photo untagging.  I would often ask myself, "when is enough, enough."  but those thoughts would be gone as soon as discussion of food would be brought up.

My breaking point was just before Thanksgiving of this last year (2014).  I honestly cannot recall any specific event or reason, but I was broken and needed help.  I decided to seek help from my loved ones, as well as joining Weight Watchers.  Whatever program that I did to help lose weight and get on track needed to be something that I could fit into a long term lifestyle.  I needed to know that if I had a day that I needed to cheat, I could, without feeling the intense guilt that I normally associated with food.  

I walked in to Weight Watchers on November 19th; filled out my paperwork, and got on the scale, it read 227.2lbs *insert tears*  I had NO IDEA that I had gotten that far out of control.  

Even though I was feeling every negative/sad emotion that you could think of, I also felt this slight hint of relief.  I had taken the first step.  I started a journey in the positive direction.  I was ready for a different reality.